(Still) Standing in my authentic self.

Last December, I had a conversation that opened my mind in a new way. I asked, “what does it take to be authentic in the moment? What does it take to have the ‘right’ answer DURING the conversation, not 5 minutes later, or 20 years later?” And what I learned was that when connecting with my authentic response is my highest priority, then I will be able to respond in turn.

Yes, I thought. Connecting with my authentic response, in the moment, is my highest priority. Yes. I want that. That is my single necessity — authenticity in the moment. Connection to myself in the momentFeet in acadiaNP

Ten months after that conversation, I am still living my way into it. And what I’m learning today, is that it requires a level of honesty with myself  that I’ve perhaps never considered. When I’m honest with myself, I can be honest with you. And holding universal Truth as the anchor — the universe is for me, it’s friendly, every experience, conversation, relationship, every moment is unfolding for me, in perfect divine order– then I can accept the messy parts hand-in-hand with the blissful parts. I can hold the pain and the pleasure. I can hold the joy and the sadness.

Back in December, as I was allowing this new space to open and integrate, I blurted this out via voice dictation into my phone …

Right now, I’m learning that the greatest gift I can give myself and the people around me, is to share my authentic soul.

That also means that I get to continuously check in with where I am, how I am, what I am, and what I need in each moment. The freedom of that allows me to be so very present with Self and with You, while also knowing when I am done with you.

For example, the interview I had in Nashville, where I needed a job so badly, wanted a job out of retail so badly, that I endured a very uncomfortable interview process. At the end, when they asked me if I wanted to work there, I was so desperate to get out of retail that I said “Yes.” Leaning into my authentic response would’ve been, “I want to get out of retail so badly. I want a schedule that is not sporadic. But, if your work environment is anything like the environment of this interview, then thank you, but no. I would not like to work here.” 

Owning that authentic space, owning what I need in the moment, gives me the freedom to say thank you, but no. And here’s the kicker for me, it’s so laced with love and grace and presence, but if it comes out as defensive and angry, that’s just another check in for me.

So, if you see me responding differently than my previous patterns may have led you to expect me to behave or respond, yay! I’m being conscious. I’m choosing thoughtfully my path. If I don’t offer up a quick “I’m sorry,” and that bothers you, then perhaps there’s something for you to discover. If I’m silent when I may have previously responded, yay! I’m also being thoughtful in that moment.  

It’s also quite likely that I will stand up for myself. What a concept! I will stand up for myself, because I’m connected to myself. I’m aware and conscious and present and so if something feels off, I get to stand up and speak that. I don’t have to hide it. I don’t have to hide behind it. I don’t have to be afraid of it, or build a story around it, or get upset with you about it. I just get to speak truth into it.

Maybe I’ll hold up a mirror. Maybe I’ll just hold space. But, whatever I do, it will be coming from an honest, authentic, connected place within my soul. And even if no one else in this world celebrates that, I will celebrate that. I will celebrate me. I will celebrate my soul coming alive.

I still see this today, as raw and vulnerable as I did that day. With 10 months more of experiences and conversations where I’ve tried and failed, and tried and succeeded, and owning my awareness and trying in all of it. Regardless of the outcome. And over the last 10 months I’ve thrown a few parties to celebrate my soul coming alive. I’ve cried oceans of tears when I feel my own oppressive voice saying I’ve screwed it all up, or I’m doing it all wrong, or when being honest with myself reveals deep pain and sorrow. I’ve owned that it takes a helluva lot of self love to be honest with myself, accept all of me, and be willing to show up every day.

Here’s to staying in the process, trusting it, and showing up. May we each pursue our single necessity with reckless abandon. Messy and show up

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