Enneagram.

I’ve been aware of the Enneagram for about three years. I would say I’ve studied the Enneagram for about a year now. It’s really different to know about it and to take a deep dive into it.

All the tests I’ve ever taken point me towards the Two. The Helper. Bless, y’all. I’m a Helper! About five minutes after I heard about the Enneagram and knew my Helper status, I met a lovely woman, also dominant in Type Two, who told me that “Twos have the easiest time being a mother”. Well, seeing as I thought being a mother was like the hardest gut-wrenching teeth-pulling adventure I’d ever walked, crawled, and/or struggled through, all I could think was “OMG yes, yes I need to have the easiest route so I’m definitely a Two.”

And then I reconnected with one of my friends from when I lived in Nashville 15 years ago. I mentioned the Enneagram and turns out she has gone through the intensive training to teach it herself, and as such knows it very well. She starts running through the list of mutual friends … Alayna is a Three, Krista is a Two … etc etc. And she may have listed a dozen other people but it stopped me in my tracks when she shared that Krista was a Two. Because it has maybe been 15 years since I’ve seen Krista, but I remember her, and I remember what a giver, helper, nurturer she was … and I was like OMG maybe I’m not a Two. Oh shit, what if this means that mothering is going to be harder. OH NO.

And then I met a few other people who identified as Twos and I was like why am I such a weirdo compared to them???

And my study took me deeper. And my curiosity increased. And I listened to podcasts and read blogs and pondered descriptions and realized that in fact I was not a Two. But a Four. Desire to be unique. Intelligence center in the heart. Feels the depths of feelings, self-absorbed. Moody. Diggity dang.  Basic desire – to find my significance, identity in this life. Yes and yes. Sensitive. Lordy am I ever. Envious of what I’m lacking. Guilt and shame integrated in my self speak. Embarrassingly, yes and yes. Even this writing…bearing all the light and dark, such part of the Four makeup. I actually introduced myself at an Enneagram workshop as “A Really Unique Four” – and the facilitator laughed a knowing and kind laugh because she’s a Two and was aware of my deep desire to be unique.

As I’m (wrestling with) resting into this space of being a Four, I’ve learned a lot. About myself. How I interact with the world. My fears and hopes and processes. And I’ve also learned that being a Two doesn’t make it easier to be a mom. Being your most authentic self makes it easier to be a mom. Wherever that is on the Enneagram. I would also suggest that just doing life as your most authentic self, in your essence, is hella easier than trying to be something else. Mama or nada.

Also, this song is my current anthem and this video is a woman finding and owning her freaking essence and it’s GOR.GEOUS.